How many times had I quit this magic thing?
How many times had I resolved myself to walk out of the temple and never return?
At least three, not counting the first time on that Easter day when the only reason I didn’t run out was because my path was blocked by a physical sword. I was so confident, so sure of myself. Nobody had ever seen anybody like me, yet in that moment it all collapsed, mouth went dry not being able to speak, and I wanted to leave.
The other times were not as dramatic.
Lack of progress.
Burn out.
Jealousy at some of the others in the temple.
These could be and were navigated.
But the times when none of it made any sense, or even harder, the times when it didn’t conform to how I thought it should have.
Did I want to be an oath breaker was the question asked when I thought about first leaving.
The other taken to myself from my higher self.
Did I want to walk out on the opportunity that other search for knowing it exists, but never finding it?
The time none of it made any sense and the more I tried to penetrate it and have it make sense the worse it got.
Just sit with it.
That was the advice I was given.
Don’t worry about figuring it out, just let it sit with you- sometimes that is besides you, other times it is inside you. There is an invisible current that takes time.
Actually, don’t worry about any of it making any sense at all, it will all sort itself out in time.
That last time was completely on me.
Sometimes that alchemical change trips an internal circuit breaker and one needs to step back for a bit. It might not feel like leaving, although it would be easy or understood how to interpret it that way, intellectually, but not from the heart.
Take a break and try it again in the morning.